August Horoscopes for The Red
Horoscopes by Misty the Mystic…..
Leo
7/23-8/22
This is your month to shine as bright as all the stars put together with 100000000 candle light power. You will find many that love you and none that try to poison your cake. Enjoy the heat. You will be happiest if you take everyone to the pond.
Virgo
8/23-9/22
Although you do not compare to the light that is radiating off the Leos…you are still OK. Try to get your finances in order. This seems impossible but a little easier if you rob the meanys that work the counter at the Green Bean. They will be too cool to report you.
Libra
9/23-10/22
As things start to cool off, you will find your warm fuzzy sweatshirt and bury yourself under layers of sheets with your sweetheart. Now is the time to really invest your relationship. Try to not be a prick and think more of the fact that you don’t want to grow old by yourself in a nursing home with really dry food and a dirty pair of pants.
Scorpio
10/23-11/21
Put your shirt on and remember that no one likes a crazy naked Scorpio running around. Although you might think this will help with your interpersonal relationship it may do you better to think of the good luck that will be coming midmonth. Take a walk and keep your eyes peeled for pennies.
Sagittarius
11/22-12/21
New doors are opening for you this month. Keep your head up and look under all rocks you come across. It may also help you to keep a spare set of keys in the bushes…with many drunk nights in your future, you wouldn’t want to get locked out.
Capricorn
12/22-1/19
You are on your way to becoming a strawberry shortcake
queen…keep up the good work. This sounds like a big feat but it is attainable. More importantly you are passing your good karma all over the place. Try to practice patience with your younger siblings and only drown them in a nearby lake if they mouth off to your mom.
Aquarius
1/20-2/18
Wow, a new year is exactly what you want and need to change your run of luck. After the downpour of death and destruction all around you, I can see how easy it would be to throw in the towel….but think of all the kittens that are relying on you. Once the moon has completed the rotation, you will find a special key to open your beau’s heart. Use it!
Pisces
2/19-3/20
Run, run, run away from that responsibility you cannot handle. Your health is the most important thing and you can do no one any good if you are buried behind a desk. After a quick trip on the 30th, you will know what I mean and thanks the heavens.
Aries
3/21-4/19
Stay strong Aries…. It is hard to resist the carrot as it dangles from the stick but you must head north. You will find luck in the eye of a large mammal so keep a spare rib eye in your truck. It also may be to your advantage to pay all your bills early, it looks like that shit head uncle of yours will be back to empty your account.
Taurus
4/20-5/20
What can Misty the Mystic tell you…you are already fabulous. Find additional luck on the road this month and try to hook up with as many attractive people that cross your path…a good romp is in order to make it through the crazy adventure that comes with the fall this year. Also, keep your eye on the 15th, 29th and 31st. You will find money raining down on you.
Gemini
5/21-6/21
Holidays are not the time to try to rearrange your families dynamic…so it is best that you do it now! If you ask your spouse to add a bit more to your weekly allowance you may be able to put shoes on your kids feet. With the moon rising, you will be able to make those secret plushy dreams come true…..beware of the pins.
Cancer
6/22-7/22
This month could be your greatest ever. Find amazing amounts of comfort in your pet and your favorite dishes. You will be persuaded by a stranger to go on a trip to the coast. You should kick your heals up and revert back to being a 4 year old. Also, keep an eye out for you long lost friend to resurface near the middle of the month.
